WHEN'S IT TIME TO STOP BEING A BIKER CHICK...?

The Best Embarrassing Moments Ever

IN THIRD PLACE...It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!". My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again…
IN SECOND PLACE...While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard, as the door closed behind me was the screams of laughter…
IN FIRST PLACE...This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied). She picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't, taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"  

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The Wisdom of Little Kenny

KENNY ON ICE-CREAM...A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one  of them, how many will be left?" Kenny thrusts his arms in the air, all enthusiastic. "None," he replies. "They will all fly away after the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Kenny addresses his teacher. "Miss," he says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench eating ice-cream off cones. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice-cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." Kenny smiles and says, "No Miss, the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring, but I like your thinking..."
KENNY ON MATHS...Little Kenny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? Kenny says, "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6"." "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" replied Kenny.
KENNY ON ENGLISH...Little Kenny goes to school and the teachers says, "Today we are going to learn 'multi-syllable' words. Does anyone have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Kenny sticks up his hand as says, "mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says, "Wow, Kenny, that's a mouthful!" "No Miss," corrects Kenny, "you're thinking of a blow-job."
KENNY ON GRAMMAR...Little Kenny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go to the bathroom. "Miss," he yells out, "I need to take a piss!" "Now, now, Kenny, that's a rude word. The correct word to use is 'ur-in-ate'.  Please use the word correctly in a sentence and I will allow you to go." Kenny thinks a while and says, "You're an eight, but if your boobs were bigger you would be a ten."
KENNY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)...One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' twice in the same sentence. Suzie put up her hand and said, "My father brought my mother a beautiful dress  and she looked beautiful in it." 'Well done Suzie," says teacher, asking Michael to go next. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." "Excellent Michael," she responds, reluctantly calling on Kenny next. "Well," says Kenny, "last night at dinner my sister told my father she is pregnant and he said 'beautiful, just fucking beautiful.'"
KENNY ON GETTING OLDER...Little Kenny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little KENNY replied, "My granddad lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Kenny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

We are informed that this is an actual letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products...

Dear Mr Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore (TM) or Dri-Weave (TM) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces  violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the  bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle- manager brain really thinks that happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down The Hammer: or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective  immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. Best,
Wendi Aarons, Austin , Texas

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